AmyB: Food For Thought

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of AmyB WOE

Eye Opening…and Hard to Share. July 10, 2008

Filed under: Kimkins — amyb1569 @ 10:50 pm

This week I knew  the topic I wanted to blog about.    But something happen that  Changed my mind.   I went back looking into my KK journal for some fact finding…I was blown away.  ….I saw a person I do not even recognize  .  Something else I am reminded of reading my journal…there is a group of ladies at Kimkins.con that could be that lady  in the journal a year ago. I have to admit I am a little embarrassed by some of my thoughts a year ago.  But I know there are others who can relate to my struggles . When I first started reading my journal today I thought I must of been in a slump.  But as each day turned into weeks and then months….I saw a side of me that was sad and desperate .  I also saw a person that was showing major signs of a eating disorder.  Wow that was hard to say.  But then again my journal screams desperation . I see that same desperation in many of the ladies who are still there. Heidi…where were you and were are you now?  Do you think you owe the ladies at your site any guidance? In my journal I talked daily about my weight.  If it was up or down a ounce I would have a major issue. I would post on and on about what I would do to find the magical fix for my weight loss.  I sat up goals that were impossible to meet.  I talked about taking a few bites of something and then fixing it by not eating all day.  I talked about goals of losing 20 pounds in 2 weeks.  And then when I would crash and not lose the weight I would get all down and binge. I think one of the saddest things for me to read was myself bragging about sticking to my cabbage and shrimp daily meal. I can remember Heidi PM’ing me telling me what a great menu idea. But to be careful if I was using soy sauce because it could cause the scale to go up due to the salt.   It was crystal clear that was all I was eating. So tonight I spent some time at fitday to see excatly how much I was or maybe I should say was not eating. Food Name Servings Serving Size Cals Fat Carb Prot
  Cabbage, savoy, raw      cup, shredded  19 0 4 1
  Shrimp, steamed or boiled      cup, cookedoz, with shell, raw (yield after coo…oz, without shell, cookedoz, without shell, raw (yield after …jumbo shrimp (shelled)large shrimp (shelled)medium shrimp (shelled)prawnsmall shrimp (shelled)tiny shrimp (“popcorn”)Quantity not specified  201 3 2 38
Totals  219  3 6 40 I was shocked…219 calories..I am embrassed to admit that some days that is all I would eat.  I even mentioned the special tea.  Now let me add that I am a adult.  I also know that as a adult I am responsible for my actions including what I eat.  BUt I would like to think that maybe someone could of said..Hey Amy …let’s talk about what you are doing.  I also think back to how Heidi’s big concern was the soy sauce. It is great that finally there is some talk about eating more.  BUt my goodness look at what it took.  And I have no doubt there is still the plan behind the plan.   So I am going to add my journal entries from a year ago.  Notice the desperation.  NOtice me screaming that I am not eating much and even that I will join boot camp.  I wonder how much lower I THOUGHT I could go to lose. Did I not know what I was doing?  Did I just not care?  Those are questions I need to think about. I also will focus on this more in a different blog entry.  But I can promise you…the KK plan may take the weight off fast.  It comes back fast.  It sucks.  Simple as that.  If anyone reads my journal entries and sees some of them in there..know that there are people you can talk to…I am a e-mail away..always. amyb1569@cfl.rr.com  

AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year, 1 Month ago  
I decided on a new name for my new journal. I did not get a chance while Philip was in the hospital to forward my old journal over to the new site. After some thought I decided maybe that was a good thing. Maybe I need to start over, fresh and REAL this time. The new name of my journal is my goal, to find the real me. I seem to be in a stage of feeling lost. I know a lot of my feelings come from my son’s illness. But there are so many reason for me feeling like this. I need to figure out what it is that I am looking for. Yes I need to lose weight. I have known that for a LONG time. But deep down there seems to be something that stops me each time. I come so far and then find a reason to gain it back. If I were to be honest I would need to say that I have lost my way. So maybe a new journal and a new start trying to lose my weight and find myself is a good thing.
So let me introduce myself. I am Amy B, 39 and blessed mom to 4 kids, Philip 17, Reed 14, Emily 10 and Cole 2.
I have lost and gained the same weight for years now. I can never seem to allow myself to get to my mini goal of 159 then down to my original goal of 135. I spent some time out of town in the hospital with my son and fell hard back to my carb ways. I went in with weighing 170ish and came home weighing 192.5. I am shocked and hurt that I allowed myself to fall backwards like that. I now realize today I can make a decision..just start again or keep gaining. I decided to start back on plan. But I need to find a different way to stay dedicated because right now I feel weak and tired . I guess the other side of me says..if I wait till I am jazzed up and woo hoo ready I may never start back. So maybe getting real is the way to do it. Real with my feelings, hurts and fears.
So here I am…I need support and am ready to give support.  

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Well today was a good scale day…I am 177.5 today. It felt good to see the numbers lower today.

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Well this mornings weigh in was 1/2 weight loss. I know not everyday will be a BIG weight loss..but I like it better when the number goes down by a whole number. There is always tomorrow.
I need to go today to get some of my special tea. It works perfect for me in the bathroom and maybe that could also help the scale tomorrow.
I know I have said this before. But I just really need to get to my first mini goal of 159.9. I have tried for years and never get back there. I wonder how long it will take me to get there and then down to 135. I would love to be at a pound a day but do not want to set myself up for failure in my mind. I was 177 today. So I have 18 pounds till my first mini goal. Think I can do it in 3 weeks from today?

   

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Tonight I had a moment at the store. As I stood there getting my sliced fat free meat. I watched a few think girls order different things. They got fried chicken and subs and on and on. As I stood there I had a mix of emotions. I was jelous and a little mad . I was too tierd tonight. I had a bad emotional day with Philip’s medical issues and I needed something. That something in the past would of been something that those girls were eating. I know that everyone can not eat alike. But tonight I wished I was one of those that could eat that and look like them. I know when I get to goal I will need to not go back to those habits or I will be starting over again..once again.
I also realised tonight that something is lacking in me. For years I could take a few diet pills, or do a crash diet and lose the weight. That is clearly not the case. I have tried to lose weight for three years plus. The same pounds. I lose and re gain and lose again. I never get to the 150’s. I want it so bad but deep down I think I have gotten the idea I just can not get to the 150’s. I have lost my confidence in myself. That is not a good thing. I think I said this before…but I have not found that…woo hoo..I can do this feeling. I have had that in the past and still failed too many times to count., So I just fake it until I make it.
Tonight I feel down about things. I am surprised ay how angry I was tonight as I watched the girls eat. I wanted them to be fat also…I know that is bad…but I am honest in my journal.

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Well…I was not so angry with them. But angry with myself that I can not eat like them and look like them. I would like to say..oh I know it is unhealthy ect. But truth is…I miss sme of those foods a lot. One issue I am having is the switch from Atkins to Kimkins. I miss the fat in the dressings ect. I know it will take some time to get use to the switch. But I still miss the fuller fat foods…lol. But hey..I do not miss the STALL…
Things with my son are still really hard. There seems to be no end in the near future so I either decide to just keep eating and get too heavy to care for him or myself…Or to find a way to deal with the emotions and not eat. That has been pretty hard. I have always used food…when I am happy, sad, worried, excited, boerd and well when I breathe…haha. For those of you who asked or PM about my son, his caringbridge site in linked on the bottom of my siggy. He is one brave kid.
So today I have been more hungry. Not sure why. I guess there will be days like that. I have tried to not pick at even legal foods. They add up. I ate two pieces of celery today. I swear the crunch helped.
Tomorrw starts my bad weekend time. Last weekend I Had a slip with one meal. NO NO NO not this weekend. I need to remember that if I want to get to mini goal…there is no room for even a taste here or there. Remind me of that every Friday afternoon..lol

   

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Ok..I sent my e-mail..Thank You so much.

Well I swear things are not going so great. I now have gained back up to 180. What in the world is going on. I feel really puffy today, swollen. I am going to really get back to the bear basics today and get back on track. I wiil NOT let this get me off plan. Although..the weekends are hard for me..so it could not happen at a worse time. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new weigh in day….huh?

Edited: I am not so worried I did a ketosis stick and it is a nice med pink…

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
So I am thinking about doing boot camp….is anyone else doing it?

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Had a off weekend. I need to tell myself my own pep talk. Back hard core today and excited to get on track. I may even fast for two days…

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
I am having a really hard time getting back in track today. I have done okay but I swear I am craving all kinds of things and feeling very weak. I guess for some weird reason I feel defeated by my slip up this weekend. Dang weekends are a mess for me. I need to really be on target for this weekend. I can not feel too great about always going back and forth with my weight gain.

   

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
I am off to read all about boot camp. I might join today. Anyone else thinking of joining?

 

E:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Okay today I am up to 175 but I am not too upset about it. I ate more atkins yesterday then kimkins. For me it is a legal cheat. But also I know I can do it maybe one day month because anything that is leagal can become a bad habit. It is too funny that atkins is what I consider a cheat now. So I am off to a great start today. Thinking about my over all goals and how to reach them.
Today is a hard day for me. I will be traveling to the out of town hospital with my son and travel and hopsital equal failure for me in past. I get so stressed and I always eat . Today I will need to be very careful and think with my head and not my emotions.
Hope the scale is back to 174 or lower tomorrow.

Edited to add from boot camp:
Today is a test. It is a test to see if I can win or my emotions will win. I weighed 175 today. I am not too upset with that because I made a decission to go more Atkins yesterday and ate a little extra then I would normaly. But can you belive it. A few extras bites and I gained a pound. I have a feeling I will be back down tomorrow.
Here is my issue today: today we go out of town to the hospital for my son. Travel and hospital is a big trigger for me. Stress and emotinal eating are a big issue for me. Remember I gained 25 pounds in a matter of 3 weeks.
Today is my day to decide what is more important. I hope I am.

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 1 Year ago  
Well ladies..I tried and I did not do great. But yesterday was a very hard day for me as a mom and a bad day for Philip as my son. I fell back on food and then came home sick as a dog. I threw up after hours of feeling sick and spent all night in the bathroom. I also had Cole banging on the door saying…all right mommy? Mommy…ya right? Sounds cute…but after a few minutes I was thinking..OMG carbs are posion to me…So I get up after no sleep and weigh and I am down a pound and a half. I swear I might never eat a carb again. Lol
My nerves were shot and my stomache hurt almost like I ate something bad. But yesterday was one day in my life and today I am back on track.
I am upset that I did not handle my emotions without food yesterday. But I still have issues to deal with today and I am on plan.
ON plan and weak from being sick all night….lol. That was a lesson taught.
Please wish me luck today. Philip is having some painful serious issues with his right side ( arm and hand) if you remember he had 6 operations on it from Dec 19th to Feb 1st. Something is going on and after two nights of his waking me up in pain ..we are calling the Dr today. This is the side that the stroke caused issues.
Thanks for the support yesterday Fawn . As always it means so much to me.

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 12 Months ago  
I seem to be having a hard time staying on track. Well no that is not really what I mean…yesterday I had more carbs then I would normally have. But as I have said a million times before I have such a hard time dealing with hopsital out of town days…I am such a emotional eater, I hope that I can learn to not be that way in the near future.
One thing that has so changed for me with this plan is…even if I add a few carbs..I get back on track right away. Same day next meal. I never ever did that with Atkins. One cheat sent me in a week long or longer cheat, So maybe my self control is getting better.
So this morning I was up 1/2 a pound. I hope tomorrow is a better scale day. It is what it is, huh? Be sure to remind me of this if the scale goes up again tomorrow.
I so want to be at 169 by next Monday offical weigh in. One day , One pound at a time. Right?
I found a new easy dish that I am kind of hooked on. I take a bag of shredded cabbage and some mushrooms and either chicken or shrimp and stir fry it ..it is pretty good.
I know for me to get to goal…I need to stay out of restraunts…It is just a trigger for me.
I will be making the rounds tonight in journals. Hope everyone is doing great today.  

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 12 Months ago  
This is my third time trying to post. It keeps getting erased. So one more time. I will try.
Last night I had some time to really think about things. Philip was in the Er till 4 am . During this time I just really thought about my weight issues and goals. I really spent some time thinking of what it will be like to get to goal. I guess I know I need to set goals for myself that include a basic time period. I notice that if I just say I am working towards a goal with no time period. I seem to not do as
Well. But I made the decission that I wanted to get to 169.999 by Monday. Since I made that decission I have been thinking about it quite a bit.. I think the thinking about it makes me want it more and stay on plan even better. I think knowing there is a “due date’ with the scale..makes me want it even more.
So last night while I was thinking about things..I realised that I do not give myself credit for the 50 pounds lost. I think it took so long it makes me forget I lost it. It was my fault due to losing and re gaining the same weight.
But I let myself really thinking about getting togoal. What it would be like to be thin again. What it will be like to see people’s faces. I think I have been dieting for so long it has become a joke to some people. But when I get to goal …the joke will be over. How is that for a thought. I really do not think I look like I lost 50 pounds..because I went back and forth so much with it.
So from now on..I have mini goals and a time to met them. I know I may not always get to that goal on that day. BUt with a goal and a time to get there..I know I will work harder.
My mini goal is 169.9 by Monday……I have NOT been in the 160’s for this whole diet thing…..I so hope I make it.  

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 12 Months ago  
Today I weigh 171.0. Just a reminded that my mini goal is 169 by Monday. Now one thing I have to really keep in mind. I always seem to get to a weight zone ending in 9.999 and then instead of keeping going lower I creep back up to the higer weight zone. Meaning if I am not careful I will end up at 169.999 and then at 170 and higher next week. So after my mini goal I will work even harder to go down down down.
Sonedays it seems so close and then some days it seems like I will never get there.
K1820…you said something about my panties…that reminded me of how hard it was to take my 40 pound award down. I cried and felt like I would never get back on track. I needed a 30 pound weight gain siggy for back then…yuck.
Going to make my cabbage and meat stir fry tonight….My new fav food….yummy.

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 12 Months ago  
I was 170.5 this morning…my mini goal is 169.9..I should of shaved my whole body and got my hair cut and ….lol. I am kidding. I had said that my mini goal was be 169.9999 by Monday morning…so one more weigh in. If not..then look how close I have gotten. My new mini goal is to be 159.999 by end of next boot camp. I have never been 159 in this whole WOE for years and years of dieting and atkins and now. So first to 169.9999 then to 159.999. Think I can lose 10 pounds in two weeks?

Off to church..be back later.

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 11 Months, 3 Weeks ago  
This is my third time trying to post this. I get done and I click post and wham it is gone.
I feel so dissipointed in myself. I had a slip. If I were to be more blunt…I cheated. Philip is in the hospital and we all know from my past post I am a emotional eater. For thoe of you who read his web page, I uodated it. If you visit it please sign the guestbook so I know you came by.
So back to the cheat. I swear. I am my own worse enemy. I have to have to HAVE to figure out a better plan to deal with my stress with Philip’s medical issues.
Let me go before the hopsital Internet boots me again.
I am back hard core on plan but really sad I messed up once again.   Thank you so much for the great support. I knew what I was doing when I ate the food. That is what really bugs me. I cared more about the food and the comfort then ME. That is a bold issue I need to deal with. I felt awful as I got on the scale today . It said 169..one pound away from the 170’s. And of course today I am hungry as can be. But today I will be back on plan and hope I can get back to my original Sunday weigh in of 167 by Tuesday. Maybe even tomorrow.
I had thought I would just not eat today. BUT since I am so hungry that could set me up for failure. So I think I will jump back into just some lean protein. If I do not eat something I COULD end up with a cheat ..another cheat.
I am waiting to hear from the Dr.’s this morning. I hope we can try to hold off on anything with Philip. Of course he still has the cyst in his brain stem. I wish the cyst would just go away. Wouldn’t that be wonderful. Not likely but I can hope.
My Dh will be back to work one day this week. We are waiting on his biopsy results but for now it looks like peptic ulcer ..It has been a rough two weeks for him.
I am a work in progress today. With my emotions and my cravings and well some guilt.  

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 11 Months, 3 Weeks ago  
Ok..did not do perfect today but I have done lot’s worse in past. I had two pieces of deli ham and a few spoons of mac and cheese. I know that I should not of done that. I feel stronger today them yesterday. But I think I made a big mistake of trying to not eat today and got to hungry. But tonight I am not eating anything else. I feel yuck and once again upset with myself. I told myself I would just not weigh tomorrow . But I WILL weigh because the bottom line is..I need to be reminded of what a spoonful of this and that can cause.a bad bad bad day at the scale.

 

Re:AmyB….Finding the Real Me 11 Months ago e  
Okay…I am back. I have been in a funk lately . I could make excuses but I will not. I just decided that after days of telling myself to get back to group..today I would do it. To be truthful…I was not sure if anyone would know I was gone or remember me..lol. But here I am.
I did stray a little. I got up to 175 but this morning I was 167.5..not too bad, huh? I feel back on track and ready to get to my mini goal of 159.9
In fact I have a big goal push..anyone want to hold me accountable. I would love to lose twenty pounds in 3 weeks.
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5 Responses to “Eye Opening…and Hard to Share.”

  1. 2big4mysize Says:

    SO having looked back can you honestly say that today you are eating healthy amounts of nutrtionally dense low carb moderate protein and higher healthy fats foods as you struggle to find the smaller AMYB you desire to be?

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  3. […] for some fact finding??I was blown away.? ??.I saw a person I do not even recognize? .? Something ehttps://amyb1569.wordpress.com/2008/07/10/eye-openingand-hard-to-share/The Definitive Guide to Grains – The Common VoiceOn the daily scavenge menu: meats, nuts, leafy […]

  4. amyb1569 Says:

    I am working on it day by day EVERYDAY. I am adding food back in and finding food can be good for me and not the enemy. It seems that a sensible Atkins is the right plan for me.
    Thanks for asking 2big.

  5. deedlynn22 Says:

    AMY….the comment posted by DEEDLYNN22 on 7/19/2008 at 8:54 pm was not me. I’ve not been on your blog in nearly 2 weeks. LOL–looking back it may have been 2big while she was working on my BLOG. LMBO…..I thought I had been hi-jacked for a minute. LOL.

    Hope things are good for you.

    Dee


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