I have been doing so much thinking this week. I have felt really frustrated and hurt this week. I have had a mixture of feeling attacked and wanting to attack. Is this who I want to be? NO. I have always felt like I am a good person. I would never want to hurt anyone on purpose. And yet if a person were to read about Amy B on the INTERNET …they might just get a different idea about who I am.
I never wanted to get involved in the whole KK issues. I only wanted to lose weight. Yes you heard those words from me. At the time I only wanted to lose weight. I also thought if I lost the weight..everything would be perfect. Guess what…I set myself up for emotional failure. I placed too much value on the number on the scale. I was willing to lose the weight and work on the other later. Guess what..the later is here. NOW.
Do I hate Heidi Diaz? NO. Not at all. But I ask myself..if it is not hate then what is it?: I guess you would call it ….maybe hurt. I feel hurt by Heidi. I believed her. I thought she was the answer . And then I felt like she abandoned me. There I said it. I thought Heidi was like us. I thought she was the real deal. Now the truth is here with me every morning as I step on the dreaded scale..It is my battle. I am alone in this fight to health and being fit and thin. And lately I feel like there are some people who want me to fail.
Maybe I come across as weak. And some days I feel worn down. But I guess I would rather be weak and FEEL then hardened and NUMB.
So this week I have been listening to a wonderful CD and every time I hear these words ..it reminds me of all of US. I wanted to share them with all of you. We are going to all be stronger after this. It is called life.
Words from Sister CD
These broken hearts will need some time
One day we will wake up and find
That life is hard, and pain is real
But the strongest hearts are not made of steel
They’re made of tenderness and trust
Sometimes life has its way with us
And we find it is the heartaches
Struggles and scars
That makes the strongest hearts