AmyB: Food For Thought

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of AmyB WOE

Feeling Like A Failure March 23, 2008

Filed under: Kimkins — amyb1569 @ 5:24 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

So today I feel like a failure. Harsh words . Harsh feelings. Disappointment in myself. But like I said in the start of my blog…this is me…my battle…the good, the bad and the ugly. Today my feelings are not great. So be gentle with your responses. lol

There are many different sides to Amy B. The side that knows I have accomplished almost 90 pounds of weight loss. The side that sees how far I have come. The side that catches a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thinks..wow who is that skinny girl. Who am I now? Am I different now 90 pounds less then I was 90 pounds heavier?

The reality of my weight loss is still very new to me. And since it is new to me…I fear daily that I will wake up and it will be a dream and I have not lost the weight or over night I will gain my weight back. Yes I know in reality I know that is not possible. But I still have these thought. Reality is one thing and emotions are another. Still work to be done in this area.

I am in a hard place with the whole debit with the Kimkins diet. Once again please no bashing comments. This is hard for me. I know that the diet is not very healthy. I know that it lead to very hard core emotional thoughts for me. It brought out very hard core habits for me , that I never can live up to daily. Do I think Kimkins diet plan is to blame 100%? NO. Do I think it is to blame? Yes. It was driven into me that less is best. It was driven in to my head for months that Heidi lost her weight so fast and was 118 to 122 pounds. It was driven in that she had kept her weight off for 5 to 6 years. And even harder to exit my brain is….Heidi’s quote. If I had to do it again I would do a fast for months and use Diet Coke. To this day in her post…Heidi acts as if she has lost her weight and is just one of “us” trying to re lose a few pounds that crept up on her. Sometimes for a split second I forget that she is lying. I forget that she has not lost her weight. I forget that she would go on and on about how a extra bite of this or that would cause havoc on the scale and ruin our weight loss and at the same time she was well over 300 pounds. Let me add Heidi being heavy is not what bothers me most. What bothers me….I , Amy B can not seem to get the lying Heidi and her words out of my paranoid “I am going to gain weight” head. I am upset with myself as much as Heidi Diaz.

So today was Easter. A holiday about the miracle of life and blessings. The most special holiday. Easter has nothing to do with food. Like most holidays WE make it about food. Which is part of my problem today. I took today as a excuse to go off plan. Is that the end of the world? NO. But it is in the Kimkins world. And even though I am not at kimkins any longer, some days my brain is. Today I feel in panic OMG what were you thinking mode. Wanna hear the most honest sad thought? I feel like by eating the stuff I did today I might as well of gained 50 pounds. I Had this BIG goal to be at 130 by April 5th ….that is not going to happen. I feel sad and a little desperate about that today. I tried to explain that to my DH today. Of course he did not understand. And in truth I do not either. Maybe some of you ex Kimkin ladies can relate. Maybe not. Maybe I am being dramatic. I hope I wake up tomorrow and start fresh. Today in my head I feel like I weigh 200 pounds. Odd how on plan and losing I feel Skinny…..Off plan for one day and I feel frumpy, out of control and heavy.

Now that last statement brings me to a interesting topic. Start fresh. What is that? What am I going to do to keep the weight off ? What am I going to do to make sure I do not gain my weight? I lost the weight in such a way that I now am worried I will not be able to get to goal and or keep the weight off.

So I could go on and on …but I think I said enough.

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17 Responses to “Feeling Like A Failure”

  1. […] today I feel like a failure. Harsh words . Harsh feelings … unknown wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThe side that knows I have […]

  2. […] weblog Sun 23 Mar So today I feel like a failure. Harsh words . Harsh feelings … admin wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThe side that knows I have […]

  3. bluesuederebel Says:

    Ok, I’ll start, and I will be gentle. I have been where you are before. I was on a plan similar to KK’s and lost nearly 100 pounds. I went back to eating like I was before and pretty soon, I gained it all back and more.

    The good news is this. Back then, I didn’t really know about LCing. I have found out since last August, that you don’t have to gain it back. I went all through the holidays, and didn’t gain back any of the 60 pounds I lost at KK’s. Only in the last couple of weeks have I put about 10 pounds back on, but I have since lost that and plan to work to get the rest off.

    You are about the age I was when I lost the weight the first time. I didn’t have all the support from the people you have here. We are all in the same place. When I lost the weight, I never felt thin, but I was. Quit worrying about that magic number, Amy. I think we all put too much emphasis on a goal number.

    If you stay on good clean food, the weight will stay off. That’s what I found out over the last several months. If you are like me, you just have to stay away from the carbs. Keep something sugarfree to satisfy the urge.

    You will be ok. We all will. I am so proud of you. You are only that 200+ young woman in your own head. Give yourself some time to get used to your new look. When the weight loss happens so fast, it takes your head a while to catch up. In reality, you are a beautiful young woman on the inside as well as the outside.

  4. bluesuederebel Says:

    And, another thing. Don’t beat yourself up about what you ate today. When I lost so much in the 80’s, my mother and I stayed on plan during Thanksgiving. My dad went to eat with relatives and we stayed home and ate our pittance. And, for what?! We still gained the weight back and lost a precious holiday with our family.

    Just plan better next time, but don’t be scared of the holidays. They are what make us Americans — family, friends, and food. You can do this.

  5. mayberryfan Says:

    I understand EXACTLY how you feel! Think back to when you were 90 lbs. heavier. Did you ever have days then where you felt small? I did at 250+lbs. Now at about 200, I’m still 50 lbs. from goal, but I have fewer of those “skinny-feeling” days. Most days I feel like I really haven’t lost any weight, even though I have proof that I did. Just yesterday I pulled out a golf shirt to put on so I could go to the store. It HUNG off of me. I could’ve worn it as a dress. Still, I can’t wrap my brain around how far I’ve come. All I can see is how far I have to go.

    So yes, you have many people who understand where you’re coming from in this post. But, you get the chance to start fresh all over again in the morning. Seriously, what good will it do you to beat yourself up over a holiday cheat? Move on!

    I also understand how much the garbage you’ve learned at KK’s keeps whispering to you in the back of your mind. But, remind yourself of this: YOU are doing something Heidi has never, ever been able to do. YOU are losing your weight. YOU are learning how to do low-carb in a healthy way. YOU are finding out how to lose those remaining pounds and keep them off. SHE is a failure. YOU are NOT.

    Cut yourself some slack, sweetie. You’re gonna be just fine!

  6. weightchallenge2008 Says:

    90 lbs is a lot of weight to lose so I applaud you. Having lived through the ups and downs of weight loss (literally), I must say don’t beat yourself up too hard. Just stay focused. There is nothing wrong with eating something that’s “not on the plan’ every once in a while…..don’t deprive yourself…just don’t do it every day or week for that matter…..nobody should be harsh on you…stay strong! You HAVE acheived a whole lot more than a lot of people, including myself.

  7. […] amyb1569 created an interesting post today on So today I feel like a failure. Harsh words . Harsh feelings …Here’s a short outlineThe side that knows I have accomplished almost 90 pounds of weight loss. The side that sees how far I have come. The side that catches a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thinks..wow who is that skinny girl. Who am I now? … […]

  8. 2big4mysize Says:

    Now about that 50 pound weight gain food you consumed. lets see that would be 175,000 cals I doubt your entire dinner table held that many cals for the whole family. The important thing is can you stop a binge eating pattern from developing? As a carboholic that is my reason for not cheating but many folk don’t have that issue and over endulge and be right back on plan the next meal.
    So can you eat a healthy meal for your next meal?
    Can you get back on your low carb healthy WOE?
    Can you get your exercise plan going again?
    Did you do any permenant damage to your metabolism eating that food?
    Only you can answer that. With Kimkins mentality your biggest obstecle will be to not try to starve off those cals you did consume.

    why 130? A scale number is just that a scale number.
    As one who ran right by healthy goal weight chasing a scale number I can tell you that as a former heavy weight you have denser bones then a 130 pounder who never weighed over 200 pounds. Same for the rest of your body that was involved in moving you around unless you starved off your lean tissues shedding your body fat following Kimkins.

    Instead of chasing a scale number how about striving to acheive a healthy body fat % and a healthy body.
    Nobody sees the scale numbers unless you tatoo them on your forehead. What they see it the healthier smaller you entering the room. And from your pics we can all see you are much smaller then before.

    hang in there

  9. amyb1569 Says:

    Thank You all for the supportive post. I KNOW that some of the thoughts today are not real. But I felt them and needed to share them.
    Something 2big said hit home. One thing that is my problem is…I gain weight so fast . One meal off plan…not even sure what plan is these days…but higher fat and carbs..and I gain. I went off Thanksgiving day till Jan 3rd. I did not go crazy…just off plan. I weighed 137 Thanksgiving day and Jan 3rd I was 158. Just this week I got to the 130’s again. It is crazy…my body is so out of wack.
    That is why I get so stressed. I got to work on a better plan. Right 2big?

  10. jeanniebaitinger Says:

    Amy, no one could be happy reading this post…except me. And I think you know why. No, I am not happy you feel like a failure. Not at all. But I am just THRILLED you are looking for a new WOE! The old one will kill you eventually but I’ll spare a lecture. If it took one meal off plan, havic on the scales and took making you feel like a failure to realize you cannot go on this way then some good came from it all.

    You and I talk often. And it’s no secret I am struggling too. You know darned well that secretly I think about doing just one more round to get the newly gained weight off. But you also know I refuse to do it and I think you have wondered why. So here I will tell you why I won’t/don’t…even though it would be so easy.

    Losing all the weight is no good if it is going to come right back on from healthy eating. When a salad causes a gain something is wrong–very wrong. Fearing salad is a red flag. And I was afraid of salad. However, I had decided it was PAST time to stop doing this KK thing to my body, past time to stop panicking every time the scales go up a little, ect. Just time to STOP. My current weight has gone from 147 to 155. And I blame much of it on the HRT. But I have stabolized. A huge thanks to 2big for being the perfect drill sargent, yelling at me when I needed it and holding my hand as she helped me get past the fear of adding carbs back in by Atkins OWL ladder. For me it is weird. I should be losing on OWL. And I should be gaining on OWL. Yes, it is scary. But, I am now up to over 2000 calories a day and around 30 net carbs. That may not seem like much but it is a big deal for me. I am neither losing or gaining. And I continue to add new foods in. Finally I am not afraid anymore. (Much) Yes, I want to get back to 150 and stay between 150 and 155. So I am there, although just barely. My thoughts are, if I can continue to increase my metabolism and add carbs, one day I might just be able to drop the carbs back and lose. Just maybe. But for now I keep moving up. This is damage control. I am grateful to 2Big for her endless patience. She says she is not patient. But she is.

    Without the basic Atkins foundation, it is not hard to make poor choices. When you look at the table and you KNOW the salad will make you gain anyways, you may think mashed potatoes may as well be the food of choice since it is ALL poison, right? THIS is the very thing that needs to change and you cannot do it continuing on with Kimkins WOE.

    Amy, I have done many things to lose weight before. I was actually mad when they pulled Phen Fen from the market as I was almost at goal. Yes, I knew it was killing people but I also knew I would gladly pay the price to be thin at all costs.

    So AmyB… I ask you this. Are you willing to take a maintenance break for a while with me? Are you willing to take quality supplements, get in a little bit of exercise and…eat some salads? Eat in general but quality low carb foods? Let’s repair this metabolism damage now while we can. We have all the time in the world. And taking a maintenance break will ease your mind like you won’t believe.

    So, what is a good way for AmyB to rebuild her metabolism? Maybe Atkins 72 is a good choice for KKers coming off KK. Yes, salads and meats to start but it is less carbs starting than DANDR. But it will only work if you are brave enough to continue adding in every week. 2Big insisted I start with DANDR so I did. I do not eat tons of fats but I eat some. But Amy, you don’t eat like I do. I am afraid to say it, but you have fallen victim to the infamous “plan behind the plan”. I think it would be wise to take it from 72, start slow and go by the rules of increasing. Are you willing? And if so, pick a date. Picking the date will be the most difficult part. Why? Because it is a commitment. I honestly believe that losing all the weight in the world is no good without knowing you can maintain. And Amy, if you will just give it a couple months you will see why I don’t go back…as easy as it would be. After a couple months of maintaining I will tackle a few more lbs with you but not using KK, not using the plan behind the plan, but something else. Maybe induction. And we can always fall back on a short Stillmans round too if Induction won’t work. So we will not be stuck forever. Deal? Are you with me and if so WHEN?

  11. […] post today Feeling Like A Failure resonates in my head. I came within 12 pounds of my goal, when I took a break after my losses […]

  12. 2big4mysize Says:

    wow

    Um I could swear we discusses way more then salads as the added back carbs. Dr Atkins made a poor choice when he called them salad veggies and other veggies for those DANDR lists. Please just think of them as low glycemic index veggies packed with healthy micronutriants. You can cook with them and make sauces for your proteins to give you lots of variety. you can stuff your proteins with them to hide them should you need to. you can do a Fawn ( LCFs Fawn not kimkins.con’s Fawn) shake type thing to them by purreeing them and then mix them with your ground beef or poultry and make meat loafs meat balls or burgers. you can stir fry them, or even make soup. Please don’t feel you got to have salad 3 meals a day or you will begin to dread your meals. For y’all in the south smothered okra is great and legal as are sevings of collards with hog jowls or whatever seasoning you added to your pots before kimkins. creamed spinach, turnips with greens, and many atkineers can help you figure out what veggies go great with pot roast.
    And if one thinks I can’t live without my pizza check out Cleochatra’s blog http://cleochatra.blogspot.com/2008/03/roasted-vegetable-pizza-on-cauliflower.html
    everything from egg based crust to cauliflower ones can be found there. Want some lasagna? she’s got it too all atkins induction and OWL legal.

    I’d suggest all Kimkineets stop weight loss, see their docs and be honest about portion size with copies of your menus for the last month as saying “I’m eating low glycemic veggies and lean proteins” sounds a lot healtheir then those 800 cal kimkins limited menus you have been eating of those lean proteins and veggies, and repair any and all metabolic issues with more carbs,proteins and fats ( now don’t go nuts and slur a 44 ouncer of bacon grease through a straw while eating refined white foods or HFCS as your carbs, but do drizzle your veggies with EEOV or any other healthy fat you like and roast or saute them as part of your meal prep and you will be having a healthy transitional meal.

    Please remember y’all are going to be adding back lean body tissues too so do not panic if the scale goes up a few pounds. you may even replenish some of your glycogen stores but remeber that is about 3 to 1 water by weight which is why it comes off so fast when you jump back to kimkins or induction.

    Please use your tape measure and see if you switch to atkins those added pounds are lean tissue and you are still small. UConn did a study on folk eating Atkins at MAINTENANCE levels vs folk eating USDA high carb diets. neither group was trying to lose weight each group was allowed to eat a smuch as possible and neither group exercised. The Atkins eating group lost body fat and added muscle tissues just eating the plan just as your body will be replenishing its protein stores when you give it more protein and fat in the diet.
    Will you ever be able to eat the way you used to when you were heavier? nobody can correctly answer that for you. But you will be healtheir growing old with your loved ones if you take the time right now to fix your metabolism and get off the road to an ED kimkins has placed y’all on. Professional help like Christen is getting would be best but since I know most folk aren’t there is a free repairing your metabolism topic sticlied at the top of most LCFS forums and an excellent discussion on altering Kimkins and why to make it healthy on LCFs http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/kimkins/511374-building-healthy-woe-if-possible-based-kimkins.html I tried to think of all the possible ways a kimkinette could misinterpret the facts ControlledCarb oresnted in there so all your questions should be answered except the one all of us have and that is what limits to place on total amount of carbs y’all should be eating. I wish y’all would use the DANDR OWL carb ladder cause that allows each person to discover what type of carb foods they can and can’t tolerate in a very controlled manner with immediate corrective steps should a food or carb food group have a negative impact on your craving control or weight loss.
    Amy I wish you and all the other transitioning kimkineets much success as you take the first steps on that scarey journey to recovery and away from the ED many are haeding for.

  13. yustyucky Says:

    Luke 21:19
    Hebrews 12:1

    and others, speak of patience. So many times we’re more patient with other people than we are with ourselves. It takes patience to lose weight and get healthy, and it takes patience for your self-image to catch up with that weightloss.

    Amy you’ve come so far. I envy that. Time and time again I’ve restarted this journey. Am still always restarting. So I’ve no right to offer anybody any advice, I just wanted to offer some comfort and a hope that you keep on keepin’ on, as so many people here have done, and have lived to tell the tale 🙂

    Hugs to all.

  14. jeanniebaitinger Says:

    Don’t let me worry you with salads, 2Big. I have added carrots, tomato, ect. They are good! 🙂

  15. […] post today Feeling Like A Failure resonates in my head. I came within 12 pounds of my goal, when I took a break after my losses […]

  16. […] to borrow from 2big4mysize’s advice to AmyB: I’d suggest all Kimkinettes stop weight loss, see their docs and be honest about portion size […]


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