So today I feel like a failure. Harsh words . Harsh feelings. Disappointment in myself. But like I said in the start of my blog…this is me…my battle…the good, the bad and the ugly. Today my feelings are not great. So be gentle with your responses. lol
There are many different sides to Amy B. The side that knows I have accomplished almost 90 pounds of weight loss. The side that sees how far I have come. The side that catches a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thinks..wow who is that skinny girl. Who am I now? Am I different now 90 pounds less then I was 90 pounds heavier?
The reality of my weight loss is still very new to me. And since it is new to me…I fear daily that I will wake up and it will be a dream and I have not lost the weight or over night I will gain my weight back. Yes I know in reality I know that is not possible. But I still have these thought. Reality is one thing and emotions are another. Still work to be done in this area.
I am in a hard place with the whole debit with the Kimkins diet. Once again please no bashing comments. This is hard for me. I know that the diet is not very healthy. I know that it lead to very hard core emotional thoughts for me. It brought out very hard core habits for me , that I never can live up to daily. Do I think Kimkins diet plan is to blame 100%? NO. Do I think it is to blame? Yes. It was driven into me that less is best. It was driven in to my head for months that Heidi lost her weight so fast and was 118 to 122 pounds. It was driven in that she had kept her weight off for 5 to 6 years. And even harder to exit my brain is….Heidi’s quote. If I had to do it again I would do a fast for months and use Diet Coke. To this day in her post…Heidi acts as if she has lost her weight and is just one of “us” trying to re lose a few pounds that crept up on her. Sometimes for a split second I forget that she is lying. I forget that she has not lost her weight. I forget that she would go on and on about how a extra bite of this or that would cause havoc on the scale and ruin our weight loss and at the same time she was well over 300 pounds. Let me add Heidi being heavy is not what bothers me most. What bothers me….I , Amy B can not seem to get the lying Heidi and her words out of my paranoid “I am going to gain weight” head. I am upset with myself as much as Heidi Diaz.
So today was Easter. A holiday about the miracle of life and blessings. The most special holiday. Easter has nothing to do with food. Like most holidays WE make it about food. Which is part of my problem today. I took today as a excuse to go off plan. Is that the end of the world? NO. But it is in the Kimkins world. And even though I am not at kimkins any longer, some days my brain is. Today I feel in panic OMG what were you thinking mode. Wanna hear the most honest sad thought? I feel like by eating the stuff I did today I might as well of gained 50 pounds. I Had this BIG goal to be at 130 by April 5th ….that is not going to happen. I feel sad and a little desperate about that today. I tried to explain that to my DH today. Of course he did not understand. And in truth I do not either. Maybe some of you ex Kimkin ladies can relate. Maybe not. Maybe I am being dramatic. I hope I wake up tomorrow and start fresh. Today in my head I feel like I weigh 200 pounds. Odd how on plan and losing I feel Skinny…..Off plan for one day and I feel frumpy, out of control and heavy.
Now that last statement brings me to a interesting topic. Start fresh. What is that? What am I going to do to keep the weight off ? What am I going to do to make sure I do not gain my weight? I lost the weight in such a way that I now am worried I will not be able to get to goal and or keep the weight off.
So I could go on and on …but I think I said enough.